Mixed Emotions

I'm not exactly sure how to start this blog entry.  I have a few mixed emotions going on here.  The new treatment I'm on (TDM1 or Kadycla) isn't exactly working.  Who am I kidding... In no shape or form is it working.  I had a PET scan on Monday and the lesions on my liver are bigger and showing more cancer activity AND it spread to a couple lymph nodes in the abdomen area (in addition to the lymph nodes that were detected on my last scan).  Well, SH*T!  Now what?!  I have no idea and I have to wait till Monday to talk to Dr. H about our new game plan.  Well, I can't say I'm that surprised in these oh so disappointing results.  I knew my body was trying to tell me something.  Over the last 2 weeks I've been experiencing this "discomfort"... not quite in my abdomen and not quite in my chest, but somewhere in-between.  I've been taking Prilosec for heartburn and then started taking Carafate which treats ulcers and was about to make an appointment with a Gastroenterologist... and then we received the PET results which helped explain the mystery discomfort.  Wouldn't you know it... (insert suspenseful music)... it's my liver!  Because this is such a different pain/discomfort then what I've experienced in the past, I never thought for a second it was my liver.  In a weird kind of way I'm relieved it's nothing new!  The 3 lesions might be bigger, but hell, things could be worse!  At one point last year I had over 20 lesions on my liver!  So ya, things could be worse!

Anyway, this week hasn't been an easy one... anticipating the possible bad PET scan results and now processing the bad PET scan results and everything that comes with it (starting a new drug, new side effects, etc).  Let's see, I'm worried, I'm pissed, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm confused and I'm tired!  Yep, to sum it up... this sucks!  

Cancer has basically become my full time job.  It consumes so much of my life and my day to day activities... Drs appointments, lab work, chemo, recovering from chemo, more appointments, more lab work, scans... sometimes it feels like it never ends.  

I had my week planned out with lunches, get togethers and dinners.  Even though I've been feeling a little "discomfort," I was looking forward to catching up with friends and having a few laughs.  Well, after this emotional roller coaster I've been on, you have no idea how badly I wanted to bail and cancel all my plans.  And then I realized, I CAN'T and I WON'T let this disease control my life and deprive me of the fun and good times I look forward to.  And THAT is how I'm kickin' cancer's ass!!

P.S. I'm looking forward to seeing y'all at Art Bra Austin in a little over 2 weeks.  If you're unable to go and would like to help me raise money for the Breast Cancer Resource Center (BCRC), here is the link to my fundraising page... CLICK HERE!  Thank you!