Comfortably Numb - A New Cocktail

I'm not quite sure why I'm not freaking out at this point.  I'm still going through all the same emotions I've gone through in the past when we've switched up my treatment... I don't think I'll ever not go through the worrying, the nerves, or the "what ifs."  But for some reason this time I feel a little more numb.  Numb in a... in a way that I'm okay with.  Lets call it, comfortably numb.  

Maybe I've come to terms with and I'm accepting of the fact that TDM1/Kadcyla and the 1,000 drugs I tried before that, weren't the right drugs for me.  And maybe this next treatment isn't the right one for me either.  But what if it is?  One of these days we're bound to find the right drug.  Right?!  

Maybe this is just my new "normal."  I'm not quite sure what normal is anymore... it's been redefined so many times since I was diagnosed.  

Maybe now that I'm retired I don't have the added stress of trying to make it into work or worrying that if I don't work, I won't get paid. 

Maybe it's having faith that everything will be okay. 

Maybe I don't need a reason or an explanation as to why I feel "comfortably numb."  

Tomorrow I'll start a new chemo cocktail...

Epirubicin, Cytoxin & Herceptin 

Let's get this new treatment started!  It could be the right drug for me!

 

I... Have become comfortably numb.